I Joined the Circus & Uncovered a Deep Childhood Wound...

How I Accidentally Remembered a Childhood Wound

I'm realising how wild it is that I realised my core childhood wound, maybe it's not my core one but it's definitely one of them, by joining the circus.

By I joined the circus, I mean that I went to two circus classes and the reason I found this is because our work offers discounts, through their website.

So I was looking, as I look every now and again through the discounts and I was like, oh there's a circus school, this is really cool.

And I saw, oh they have the regular things that you think about in circus, like juggling, trapeze and all those things, but what I was really interested in was tumbling and then trampolining.

Mainly because I used to like trampolining when I was a kid. I had one in the back garden. I used to be jumping around all the time.

And then tumbling because I was like, oh, I used to really like doing gymnastics and something in me was like, oh, we should do this. Let's try it. Move our body in a different kind of way. Because I was looking for a new kind of class.

Anyway, I'm like, this is so different. Let's do it.

The Comment That Shifted Everything

So I go, and the first one was actually good, the trampoline was fun, but then when I came back to the class the following week to do the tumbling, one of the girls from the trampoline class from the first week was like, she literally said to me, WhY aRe YoU sO gOoD aT tHiS? As if, like, accusing me of being good at it, and I was like, mm!

I don't know, like, I'm sorry. But then I thought, yeah, why am I so good at this?

Like doing the moves all came very natural to me.

The instructor was there, actually, and he said something about things that people do before puberty, they're usually good at them when they grow up. Basically alluding to I guess it's muscle memory, essentially. So I'm like, oh.

Yeah, maybe I was good at this when I was younger too.

Anyway, I come home to my partner after my second class (tumbling - which was much fun btw). People were also very surprised that I was good at it as well, and I was also too.

So then I told my partner about this, and then it made me think, like, why did I stop!!!?

And then the next day, it literally hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was as if someone got a brick from outside, like a heavy one, threw it at my head, and I fell on the floor. BAM.

That's how it was found.

The Moment I Disconnected From My Body

I was like oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!

The whole reason I stopped, and the reason I had really bad body issues and intolerances for 20+ years (Gluten, I’m looking at you).

THIS IS WHERE IT STEMMED FROM!!!!

😲

This moment of me stopping doing these sports. And, okay, the moment doesn't even sound that dramatic. Maybe it does, I don't know. But basically, we used to do gymnastics in primary school, elementary school, whatever you want to call it.

I think I was just a bit heavier than everyone else. I think just like genetics, things like this. And I just grew a bit faster than everyone else. Think thicker thighs etc (Beyonce, Simone Biles, SZA…)

Anyway. Our gymnastics teacher says to me one day, when we're doing our regular stuff.

He's like, oh, Lisa, I think you're too heavy. Now I'm not gonna be able to support you with the lift.

So I'm like, what?

🥺🥺🥺

Can you imagine this little girl, like I feel so bad for her now but obviously I internalised this at the time. Because then I'm seeing him (the teacher) like throw around all these other girls, these little light girls and I'm like oh my gosh I'm too heavy and I think yeah that moment just internalised everything for me and made me feel so unsafe in my body and made me disconnect…

The Years That Followed

Then I just had all these like gut issues, I was so unwell. Like I actually can't put it into words, I used to just have a trigger warning* and this wasn't any kind of eating disorder issue, but I used to throw up (vomit) like up to six times a day.

It was honestly ridiculous, I was so unwell, I used to get migraines, I used to be able to have a doctor's note to go have a nap whenever I needed to at school because I was so like unwell, they put me on steroids when I was a kid. STERIODS!!! To try and suppress my immune system and whatever was happening. That obviously really affected me (got the classic steroid symptom - moon face, gained weight), and just imagine my hormones.

It was a wild ride indeed.

And then when I went to university, it got worse because I guess I was eating cheap student food. This is before I knew I was gluten intolerant but I was eating so much pasta and pizza and bread.

It was crazy because I almost had to drop out of school because I couldn't go to classes anymore, I couldn't do the work (so I was failing) because I was so exhausted, brain fog, dizzy all the time, they thought I had arthritis, my joints were so swollen I couldn't even like open a bottle because my hands are so swollen, I used to get infections all the time, it was not fun, not fun at all.

Getting Diagnosed with Gluten Intolerance

I'm so grateful actually because in the tail end of the university experience, I managed to find this really good doctor.

He was really concerned and would call me into the office and be like, oh let's do this blood test, let's try this to try and figure it out.

And then one day he suggested going gluten free and I'm like, okay. Let's try it, I'm happy to try anything.

To be honest, when I realized GLUTEN IS IN EVERYTHING - I actually had a mini breakdown when I got home.

I’m like oh my godness, how am I going to live my life without gluten?!? No more bread, no more pizza. Cry, cry, cry, cry. And you gotta think, I can't remember, wait, what year was this?

Hmm.. It was over 10 years ago, and gluten things were not as prevalent as they are today and they did not taste as good.

Anyway, so, but after two weeks of being gluten free. I was like a new person.

I was like, oh my gosh, is this how normal people feel!?!?

I can concentrate again, I can go to university, I can do my classes, I managed to finish my degree. The energy that I had, crazy.

Brain fog, gone.

And the doctor was saying, if I wanted an official gluten celiac diagnosis, I'd have to go for a colonoscopy. I think I've been gluten-free for around a month, and I felt so good that I was like, I can't go back to eating it - and that's a requirement of the test. You have to be eating gluten at the time to be able to be positive or negative on the test.

I decided I wasn’t willing to do that, so I'll just be gluten-free forever.

What My Gluten Intolerance Taught Me

I'm looking back now and I'm like I'm so grateful.

Like SO SO SOOOOOO grateful.

Because I think what it actually made me do was to just be more cognizant about what I was putting in my body.

I had to start reading labels and seeing what it was and checking in a bit more with myself.

Like ‘oh how do I feel after I eat that’.

Seeing if I felt bloated, or had a headache or brain fog.

This was a stepping stone.

I CAN EAT GLUTEN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

Fast-forward to 2024, to when I broke my foot.

I literally broke my foot so had to take time off work.

But it really made me S L O W down. To be able to learn and trust my body again. This allowed me to reconnect with myself.

I started to realize how things feel. I was not just shoveling things into my body.

I realised my hunger cues, there's just so many things that kind of just went into this and I'll speak about this more another time but this one I just really wanted to share there.

I realised how disconnected I was and I think this happens to a lot of us, I think it happens to a lot of us and just, it is possible to heal yourself from these things.

Which is crazy, I didn't know I would ever say this, but it's possible. Like, I did it.

I DID IT!!!!

I now eat gluten with no problems at all.

I want you to know that it is possible too.

Disclamer though... I don’t want to discount those that have true intolerances, like celiac or lactose intolerance! These are very real!!!

But, just isn’t my story as of right now.

So, anyways, that's the drop.

🧡 Lisa